


I Love You More Than Life

by FeelsForBreakfast



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeelsForBreakfast/pseuds/FeelsForBreakfast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn spent a lot of time being love with a boy who could never love him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You More Than Life

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm new to this site, but not to fic, so I'm moving all my crap over. This is so exciting, hello everyone :D

Zayn spent a lot of time being in love with a boy who couldn’t love him back. A boy with big doe eyes and brown hair that curled when it got too long and strong shoulders who he could tell anything to. Except that he couldn’t tell him everything, because in the end, despite all the kisses on the cheek and the brushing of fingers and the hand holding, Liam was in love with a girl. 

Zayn could remember standing there in his flat the June night when it had all fallen apart. He was drunk, but not really drunk enough to warrant his actions. A much more sober Liam had walked him to his door, a steadying hand on his lower back as he guided the stumbling boy into his apartment, smiling indulgently as Zayn slurred nonsense at him.

“You going to be alright by yourself, Zaney?” Liam asked, arms crossed over his chest. 

“I don’t know, you might have to tuck me in.” Zayn replied with a smile, slipping his dark blue jacket off and letting it fall to the floor. 

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” Liam replied, his biceps flexing as he stretched his arms above his head, yawning widely. He’d looked really beautiful then, the lamplight casting shadows across his firm body. His eyes caught Zayn’s, wide and glassy and filled with a sincerity that made the words tumble from Zayn’s mouth before he could stop them.

“I’m in love with you.” And Zayn wanted to take them back, to push them back down his throat and lock them away forever, but it was too late, and Liam’s eyes were widening first with surprise and then deep sympathetic sadness. And that was what hurt the most. Because Liam wasn’t horrified or disgusted with Zayn. That would have been easier. 

“Oh Zayn.” He whispered softly and suddenly Zayn could feel the tears prick at the backs of his eyes but damnit he was not going to cry, not in front of Liam. He opened his mouth, denials on his lips, but it was pointless. Liam could see through him, could see the truth is his eyes and he knew how much this was killing him and it killed Liam too, because he’d never be able to love Zayn back, not matter how much he wanted to. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered, holding his arms out to the dark haired boy. “I’m so so sorry.”

And it was so typical Liam, so stupidly caring and sweet and accepting that Zayn fell into his arms and squeezed his eyes shut as his eyelashes grew wet with tears he wouldn’t let spill. His hands balled up in the soft cotton of Liam’s tee shirt, his head resting in the crook of Liam’s shoulder as he clung to him, feeling the low rumbling of Liam’s voice as he apologized over and over for something that was never his fault.

xx

Liam never told the boys about that night. After he left, leaving Zayn to lay on his kitchen floor and think about all the things he should have done differently, he never spoke of it again. Zayn knew he remembered, he’d see it in his eyes sometimes when Liam looked at him, accompanied by a worry that made him want to rip his insides out, but he never spoke a word. 

xx

It was odd, he didn’t think he’d ever really seen Niall until that night. Of course he’d seen him, but he’d just been his bandmate, the laughing irishman who was always up for a pint. 

It had been a bad interview. Louis and Harry were their normal touchy, overly personal selves, Liam was being charming and friendly as always, Niall was making little comments and laughing himself silly, but Zayn couldn’t even pretend to be interested in the questions the interviewer was asking. 

Finally, after Liam had cheerfully talked about Danielle and made Louis stop staring into Harry’s eyes long enough to mention Eleanor, Zayn got up and left. It was stupid, it was probably going to get him yelled at by management, but he didn’t care. It was a radio interview, a small fucking radio interview, and he couldn’t be bothered to sit there and listen to everyone talk about nothing.

So he got up halfway through a question, quietly sliding out of his chair and ignoring Harry’s confused glance and Liam’s panicked stare and slipping out the door with no explanation whatsoever. The boys would cover for him and, though he felt bad for putting them on the spot, he just couldn’t do it anymore. 

He walked the halls, eyes on his shoes as he headed for the door, his hands fishing in his pockets for a cigarette. He pushed through the double doors into the bitter rush of winter, the half melted slush on the sidewalk sticking to the sides of his Nike’s as he made his way towards a small alleyway.

He sunk against the brick, wishing. It wasn’t a wish for anything in particular, just an intangible prayer for something better, something that replaced the dull ache in his chest every time he thought of the boy who could never love him back. Something that would fix the way he fell asleep in the early hours of the morning tangled in his sheets, tired, wasted, and terribly alone.

He heard the sound of the door slamming open and footsteps and then Niall’s blonde head came bouncing past the mouth of the alley, only to come winging into Zayn’s hideaway, concern evident in his eyes, his breaths quick and sending curls of water vapor into the cold air. 

“Zayn!”

Zayn just stared up at him in silent defeat, trying desperately to light a cigarette with a lighter would not fucking work.

“Are you alright mate?” He asked, voice soft and filled with legitimate concern.

Zayn gave a small affirmative head nod, flicking angrily at the lighter, shaking it once, and trying again. “M’fine.”

Niall gave him a look that held far too much understanding. “You really love him, don’t you?”

His head shot up, blue eyes catching dark brown ones. He thought about pretending he didn’t know what the other boy was talking about, play it off as nothing, but he was so bad at that. Zayn couldn’t pretend. He felt deeply, love that sometimes felt like it would rip him in half if he let it, and he couldn’t just shove that down inside of himself. “Even you knew?”

Niall shrugged, his answer as simple and matter of fact as the rest of him. “I’m not as oblivious as I seem.”

Zayn gave the lighter another irritated shake. “It’s not just him.”

Niall leaned against the brick on the other side, sticking his hands in the pockets of his cream colored pants. He wasn’t wearing his jacket, Zayn noticed, just the cardigan he’d worn inside the studio, like he’d run right out after him. “So what is it?”

Zayn abandoned the lighter in the snow, taking the unlit cigarette from his mouth with no small amount of venom. “I don’t even know, I’m just, I-” He let his gaze fall to the ground, not wanting to meet Niall’s eyes as he spoke the last words, low as a whisper and ringing with truth. “I’m so tired of being lonely.”

Niall made a soft sound of sympathy in the back of his throat. “I know.” And Niall was never serious, but in that moment he was subdued and sincere, his tone wrapping Zayn up in quiet understanding. 

Zayn could feel the tears as they crept up behind his eyes and really, was he really going to cry again, and apparently he was because tears were sliding down his frozen cheeks and ice was forming in his lashes. He was just tired, so tired of pretending that he was okay going home alone every night and knowing that he didn’t have a Louis to his Harry or a Danielle to his Liam, that he was just Zayn. Only ever just Zayn.

Niall’s voice had a panicked edge when he spoke again, jolting Zayn’s head upward to meet wide blue eyes, like the sky on those rare perfectly sunny days. “Zayn are you- Christ you’re crying. Fuck. Fuck!” And then the blonde had left his place on the brick to bounce in front of Zayn, his hands hovering around the dark haired boy’s cheeks, like he wanted to physically take his sadness away from him but didn’t know how.

“Niall, I’m okay.” Zayn managed, wiping the salty tears from his cheeks and sniffling once.

“This isn’t what okay looks like, Zayn!” The blonde replied, his voice still retaining notes of anxiety.

And he was right, but damnit couldn’t he just play along? Zayn was okay, he was just fucking fine thankyou very much. Which was why he couldn’t stop crying.

Niall let his formerly panicked hands grasp Zayn’s jaw, his forefingers falling behind his ears, their faces drawing close together as Niall whispered to him. “I’m right here, okay? I’m right here.”

Zayn nodded slowly, letting himself get lost in the sound of Niall’s voice and the blue of his eyes. He’d stopped his nervous hovering, coming to a rest in front of Zayn, his normally carefree expression full of a determination that seemed to fill his very movements. He tilted his head ever so slightly, examining the older boy with a curious look in his eyes. 

He leaned forward with calculated slowness, pressing his lips carefully against Zayn’s, his pale eyes gauging the other boy’s reaction. His lips were warm, just the smallest bit chapped, and Zayn felt himself melt against them, letting out a soft gasp against the other boy’s mouth. 

Niall pulled away, expression uncertain. He looked so small then, his lips impossibly pink, meticulously styled blonde hair already a mess, a blush rising in his cheeks. Though Harry was the youngest, there was something about Niall that needed protecting. Some kind of innocence and hope that Zayn had lost a long time ago, and suddenly wanted to keep safe. 

He reached up, threading his arms around Niall’s torso and pulling him into Zayn so their bodies were flush against each other in the cold. He placed soft kisses up the blonde’s cheek to his ear as Niall’s hands slid around his neck. 

“Niall?”

“Yeah?” 

“Can we be lonely together?”

There was a pause, Niall’s breathing warm and comforting in his ear as he breathed his reply into Zayn’s shoulder. “Yes.”

xx

Zayn didn’t know what to call it. It wasn’t even something he could define long enough to label. It just was. It was when they waded through crowds of screaming girls and Zayn kept his fingers tight on Niall’s arm so he’d know he was right there beside him. It was after concerts when Zayn was riding high on adrenaline and the notes and they tumbled into each others’ arms and gave each other grins that nearly split their faces. It was at night when he heard Niall’s knock and he padded out in his boxers to let him in, and then later when he let himself in with his key and slid into bed beside Zayn, briefly waking him with a kiss and then falling into sleep beside him.

It wasn’t that Zayn stopped loving Liam, because he wasn’t really the sort of person to ever stop loving someone, it was that Zayn had found something he loved more, loved in the complete self destructive way that makes you smile with the pain of it. 

Falling in love with Niall was a lot like waking up, like being pulled from some dream state into a world where the edges were sharper and things didn’t slip through his fingers. It was the way he laughed and the way he smiled and how he was when he was tired. It was the feel of his head on Zayn’s shoulder and the look in his eyes when he sang when he was singing to the crowd but looking at Zayn, something like trust in his eyes. He needed Niall, the lovely pink cheeked boy who was so bright, like he’d swallowed some sunlight by accident. 

xx

It was late Spring, the soggy rainy days breaking into the longer sunbaked weeks of Summer, when they lay together on Zayn’s crisp white sheets, spent and breathless, curled in each other’s arms like they’d forgotten whose limbs were whose. 

They were nose to nose in the semidarkness, the sounds of the city pouring in through the open windows and the continuous whirr of the fan filling the room as it tried to dispel the sticky heat of Summer. He felt Niall’s fingers tapping a soft rhythm against his torso, and it was really too hot for them to be as close as they were but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away.

Color was still high in Niall’s cheeks, just visible from the light filtering in through the curtain, a small blissful smile settled on his face as he pressed his nose sweetly to Zayn’s.

He smiled at the gesture, pressing his lips to Niall’s in kiss that was supposed to be quick but lingered. 

“You know what’s kindof beautiful?” Zayn asked, stroking Niall’s jaw with his fingertips.

“You?” He asked with the smallest of smirks.

Zayn let out a small breath of laughter. “No.” He shifted on the mattress, fitting his hips against Niall’s. “Everything is a product. This moment is a product of all the other moments I’ve ever had and you’ve ever had. The whole entire universe is one giant product, and doesn’t it seem amazing that every chance that ever was ended up like this? That somehow all the actions of everyone who came before us fit together like some beautiful intangible puzzle? And everything we do, what we say and who we touch and every part of our lives are all part of this infinite web. Every tiny movement depends on every other one, leading us to this moment.” He smiled ever so slightly. “Makes you feel small doesn’t it?”

“That’s beautiful.” Niall said softly, his voice ringing with some kind of finality and his eyes shining. Louis probably wouldn’t have even paid attention to him, Harry would have been mildly amused at him waxing poetic, and Liam would need Zayn to explain the whole thing about three times. But Niall, Niall just stared up at him like he was something special, like he was only thing in the world.

And he thought that if everything he’d ever done had led to this moment then maybe he’d done something right.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments/crit are greatly appreciated. (:


End file.
